Thursdays are generally quiet, but they had this Jive ballroom dancing lessons party thing going on in the Ignite nightclub that shares the 3rd floor with the poker room.

As if that was not irritating enough, my table was 8 parts donkey, 2 parts rounder. Here is what the table looked like:

Seat 1: Bad. One of the worst players in Detroit that I have some history with. This is the heavy drinking, any two cards playing, go broke once an hour type donkey.

Seat 2: A solid donkey. Only plays big pocket pairs and any Ace. This is the gutshot chasing, fifth diamond hoping, must see most flops and every river type donkey.

Seat 3: Calling station. This is the see every flop at any price calling station type donkey. This is the why raise when you can call, why fold ‘em when you hold ‘em type player.

Seat 4: Broke-ass high roller. You know the type. They think that just because they are in a casino that everything is a gamble. Any two cards at any price kind of fool who’s job at the table is not done until all the money is gone.

Seat 5: Another calling station. Just clone Seat 3.

Seat 6: This is a rabbit-type of donk. Plays every hand. Scared.

Seat 7: A true grinder posing as a internet playing, A-K playing young gun. Except he does not play like an internet player and does not overplay A-K. I would stake this guy.

Seat 8: Inexperienced player. This guy can’t play after the flop. He shoves all-in for about 100X the big blind pre-flop with any big pair and pretty much folds the rest of the hands he is dealt.

Seat 9: What can I say. Had there been a waiting list, I would have paid someone to take my place. This is not the kind of table I like to be at. The only player I can outplay is one that I want to help felt the donkeys. Pirana don’t eat other pirana.

Seat 10: My favorite donkey. This is the heavy drinking, chatty, rebuying ATM type player.

Now that you have an idea of the level of play, you can appreciate that the night is going to be a long one. You will be forced to see every river and showdown every hand. No play the player tonite … ok … maybe a little bit.

A couple memorable hands that got alot of talk at the table. They all involved me having a pair of 5s.

I am heads up with Seat 3. The flop is Qd, 8d, 4d. I am last to act with 5-3 hearts.

My opponent bets the flop and I call with the plan to bluff the turn and take it down. I figure he has Ad … but only four cards to the flush.

The turn is my money card: 5c.

I know my pair is good and am willing to risk my stack knowing I am a 7:3 favorite to win the hand. I shove and get called. The river is a blank and my 5s hold up.

All I could do is grin when the guys that thought I only play Aces were surprised to see that not only did I have a garbage hand, but that I had the stones to make a play.

Now, I would have thought I earned some respect on that hand.

Fuck no.

Enter Seat 4.

Somehow, we keep getting heads up together. He starts the trash talk about me not having a hand. Yet pot after pot, he is behind the whole way and hits the miracle on the river to win.

Flash forward to the hand where he straddles. Seat 7 calls. Seat 8 calls. I call. And, seat 10 calls.

I knew before the action got to me that Seat 4 was going to raise. My plan was go re-raise him all-in for another $200 or so.

Sure as hell, he raises another $45. I put him on pure garbage.

Seat 7 calls. I put him on a big King. He claims to of had Q-Q … maybe he did. Either way he calls.

Seat 8 calls.

I go all-in.

Seat 10 calls and is all-in.

Seat 4 calls and is all-in.

Seat 7 thinks a bit and folds. If he had Q-Q, I got lucky that he folded. But, as he said after the hand played out, folding Q-Q was the right move. I agree.

Seat 8 calls.

Seat 4 proudly shows Q-5s.

For me, that was some bad fucking news.

Seat 8 shows 9c only.

The flop is even more bad news: Js-10s-8c.

I now have to miss the flush and gutshot with Seat 4.

My read was right on each player before the flop. I knew my 5-5 was good. For how long, well, that is another story.

Fourth street was 6c and fifth street was 2h.

The pocket 5s held up.

And for the next five minutes, the table talked about the play of that hand.

And that stands to reason. Most poker players at the table today had their first poker experience by watching it on television.

What these players do not realize is the ‘E’ is for Entertainment. What is shown on television is not necessarily good play, but then again, you don’t know what you don’t know sometimes.

For starters, I find it entertaining when a player in a live cash game shoves all-in with a flush draw or a straight draw against the odds like they see on the tournament television show, then tilt because they missed 2 out of 3 times.

Another entertaining move I see at the live cash game table is players thinking they have a monster hand when dealt A-K and they play it like A-A. The A-K is no better than 2-2, which ironically is portrayed on television for what it really is: just about useless.

Oh, and there is the “always make a continuation bet” move in the live cash game that players idolize from watching a highly edited tournament on television. This move is just as bad as the position raise on the button no matter what move.

Hell. If you are supposed to raise on the button every time you are on the button, why waste time looking at your cards. I bet you could speed the game up by a good 5 hands an hour if you don’t look. Then again, playing live cash games like made-for-television touramants will likely have you leaving the table broke in under an hour anyway.

For me, I equate ESPN poker and real live everyday casino poker to porn and real live everyday sex (that would be some day but not today for you married folks): Porn always looks more fun and exciting than real live everyday sex is.

I digress.

No. It is not what you think.

I played bad in a short session. Even though I felted the same player twice with 7-2 (trip 2’s on one hand and trip 7’s on the other), my playable hands quickly became rags on the flop.

The entire table thought they would break some casino rule if they did not showdown every hand on the river, so there was no opportunity to put a play on anyone.

My last hand sucked. I got my favorite pocket pair: 8’s. That was about the time some street walkin’ skank sat down in Seat 10.

I think it was a woman, but she was big enough to play linebacker for just about any pro football team.

She had enough tattoos to play pro basketball.

At any rate, she re-raises me. The action folds around to me and I shove. I read her to have a hand like A-K.

She calls.

The flop comes 9-9-7 rainbow.

I show my 8-8. The ho sits there with a smug look on her face.

“You have Aces?” I ask her.

Smug.

“You don’t show?”

Smug.

“You don’t fuckin’ talk either, huh?”

The turn is a Jack.

A river 8 or 10 and I am good.

The river is a 6.

About 30 seconds go by and still nothing from him / her.

I figure I am good, so I toss a tip chip on my cards as I wait for the pot to get pushed to me in Seat 9.

Finally, she turns over her cards. One at a fucking time in slow motion.

A-A.

Last night, I had a similar situation happen. I am in the big blind and the action folds around to the small blind.

I asked him if he wanted to chop as he is tossing in a chip to call.

As the chip hit the felt, he said ok.

I had not looked at my hand yet and turned it over for fun: K-5.

My “opponent” shows 10-5.

The dealer now had a problem of a called bet and two exposed hands on the felt.

For the cameras, he had to deal out the hand. We decide to check it down, then chop.

The flop comes 10-5-7.

Ahead, then behind, the turn puts me in front again with a King.

The river is a deuce.

“That hand had all the thrill of going all-in pre-flop without any of the disappointment,” I say as I take back my blind.

The rest of the session was uneventful. I played one hand in four hours and took down that pot. By the end of the night, the thrill was gone.

I am in a no limit game last night. Heads up against a player on my immediate left.

I have a small pocket pair.

My read is my opponent is holding A-X.

The board is five blanks. No Aces, no paint.

I check call all the way.

On the river, I feel my pair is good.

When I show the pair, I get a speech.

“How could you call with just a lousy pair?” he asks.

“How could you bet with just Ace high?” I respond.

He goes on tilt.

The very next hand, I four bet.

This same opponent pushes all-in.

The action folds to me and I call.

He shows Q-Q.

I turn the cards over so an Ace is showing.

I then slide the Ace off to my right to expose the bottom card.

Another Ace.

And, another speech.

“Dammit. I finally get a pocket pair and you just had to have Aces this time!”

Again, the board was five blanks.

In both hands, my opponent overplayed his hand.

He could have saved alot of money by checking the turn and river on the first hand if he did not pair his hole cards.

On the second hand, the right play was call pre-flop, then fold to my all-in on the flop if he did not hit a set.

Two of the biggest rooms I play at are at MotorCity Casino in Detroit, Michigan and Ameristar in Black Hawk, Colorado.

I have to admit, I do not remember the hundreds of people I see each week in the card room who are not regular players.

No matter where I play, I frequently get someone who will walk up to me while outside on a smoke break that mentions they played with me and describe a hand to jog my ever-increasing short memory.

There is a twist to this last night that made me feel good.

I am standing outside Ameristar Black Hawk. Elevation 8050 feet.

A young attractive woman approaches me and says, “Are you from Detroit?”

“Originally.” I reply.

“Is your name Sammy?”

“Yes.” I am mildly concerned now.

“I watched you play at MotorCity Casino a few months ago.” she says.

“A few months ago? Damn, you have a good memory.” I reply.

“The hand you were in was amazing. How could I forget?” she continues.

“I am easily forgettable after 3 seconds. You remembered me from across the country three months later?” I say.

She laughs and begins to describe the hand, “You were in a short-handed 200-500 game with some real donkeys.”

A by-stander listening in pipes up and asks, “200-500?”

“The buy-in”, I reply, “It was a no-limit game with 2-5 blinds.”

She continues, “It was the hand where you broke the game.”

“I remember the hand, but I am sorry, I do not remember you at the table.”

“I was at the next table over and saw what happened.” she says.

“I got lucky. Are you vacationing here in Colorado?”

“No, I live here but am originally from Detroit.”

The by-stander asks what happened in the hand. The lady tells the story:

“The player under the gun raises to $100 pre-flop. The next player raises to $200. The player after him re-raises to $500. Sammy here is on the button with a mountain of chips and calls. The small blind and big blind each call.” she says.

She continues, “The flop comes J-3-3. All players ahead of Sammy go all-in. Sammy sat there cool as ice and just calls. I figured him for aces.”

The by-stander is now eager to hear how this turns out.

“There had to be, what, over $7,000 in that pot. Anyways, the small blind had K-Q offsuit. The big blind had A-10 hearts. The original raiser had K-K. The player two off the big blind had Q-Q. The next player had J-J.”

“The turn card was an Ace. The river was a 10.”

The bystander says, “So, if I follow you, everyone thought they were good. You had a straight, two pair with an ace, kings up, queens up, and a full house. What did you have Sammy?”

“Sammy flopped quads. He took all the money on the table and broke the game.”

I still can’t get over the fact that this person spotted me. Very flattering. Makes me feel good.

I am finally back playing after my “card dead” hiatus.

All is going well for the first hour. I double up.

Then a donkey sits down. I study him for a few minutes. Easy money. So, I stay.

He bluffs me off a flush draw. No problem. I am patient, but I tell him I folded Jacks after he showed me a 3 high (ok, I had only one Jack).

This guy is in disbelief that I folded Jacks, but I was convincing. Too convincing.

He thinks I am super tight and will fold to any big bet.

Next hand, I have K-J. Mr. Donkey and I limp in.

Flop is K-J-10 rainbow. He bets out $15.

Yes, so I have top two pair with a straight out there. No way he has Q-9 or A-Q.

I raise to $45. Everyone folds. Except Mr. Donkey.

He goes over the top all in.

I insta-call and show top two pair.

Turn is a blank.

At this point, I am a 96% favorite to win the hand assuming he is on a straight draw. I figure if he had the nuts on the flop, he would have slow played it. Then again, maybe not. He is a donkey.

River is an Ace.

Mr. Donkey shows me Q-4 for a straight.

Damn Donkeys!

The player’s reasoning is they were “gambling” when they made the call.

They are gambling alright. With MY money. In the short run anyway.